Dark days
by Fruitqueen
Summary: You have good days and bad. I have a lot of darker ones. My urged me to make a story out of it in case other people feel this way. This is his attempt of saying,"You're not alone" Even a couple thousand miles away he still looks after me. He told me to pour my dark soul into this and see if it helps. Ps the cover is the Buddhist symbol of good luck.
1. Chapter 1

It's the feeling of helplessness that always gets me. The feeling of drifting away, or walking on clouds. The fact that no matter what you do it's going to keep coming back to you, and never knowing how to stop it. Saying that hope, love, happiness, and forgiveness aren't realm aren't for you. Living in sadness, forcing yourself to put your foot in front of the other. Knowing that at the end of the day it'll all be better. Knowing that at the end of the day you can be free. Free from all the torment, free from all the nasty voices. Free from everything. But for now there's nothing I can do about it.

Everything I ever wanted was just a dream. You can't dream if you want to be free. Freedom costs you everything. Freedom means to let go of everything. From the smallest regret, to the biggest secret. You can't have it all, you never could. It was all just a lie. Most things are. Like love, happiness, when people say that they'll be there for you, the meaning of always, but most of all, hope. Hope is nothing. You can't make whatever it is you want just by hoping. Love is the same. The person who made the saying love conquers all has obviously never had everything taken from them, and them getting their heart ripped up in a million pieces just to get a share of glass in each tiny little fragment.

Derek always told me to fight, but I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of going on. Im tired all the time and all I want to do is nothing. Derek's gone now, and we only see each other every once in at while. Even since before he had left I was in a daze. A mood if you will. No one thought anything of it. No one expect for him. And the society is here knocking on my door like, "Hello! I have come to crush your spirt! And if you don't want that, well then we shall label you as a freak of nature! Don't care if you font like it! Oh and we forgot to mention that you will be forever shunned! Isn't that amazing?" Here's what I say, "SCREW YOU SOCIETY! YOU DONT LIKE IT? WELL TO BAD IM HERE TO FREAKING STAY!" Derek stayed with me, even joined me through my many mental adventures. He was the kind of person who no matter what you did stuck with you.

Vince had already gone and left us. I was the one who was more crushed. Derek helped me hold it together. But now my wall is falling, breaking. That wall is the only thing keeping me from starting again. Life is just around the corner waiting, looking for the slightest break in my defense. Life just wants me to break and crumble like crumbs off if freshly baked bread. Only this time it's not as good. Sure other people help but it's not the same. It's not my system. Vince was the kind of person who made you crack a smile no matter what.

The boys made a system, its really quite interesting. I don't know if it works with other people but they would talk to me. just talk. Talk about random things, make fun of each other, you know the works. And depending on how deep I was in my daze was the amount if time they talked. They let me take my rant first and then they worked around it. That's the thing with those two, they always put me in front of them self. Like my needs were greater than them having to get up at six in the morning to go to a baseball thing. That was stage one. There are three stages in all.

The second stage was light humor, curtesy of Vince. And when he left Derek upped his game. Derek is not the best joke cracker let me tell you, but he tried and that's what counts. Humor is the best medicine they always said. Humor and food that is. I can see there point now. Laughter was always a specialty of theres.

The third and final step was just making sure I was okay. And by that I mean prying until I confess what made me get into my daze. They always knew when something was bothering me, and when to make me spill. Just never thought that they knew so much.

Never thought that we would be such good friends. We were all so different. With Derek as the "bad boy", Vince as the goofy "nerd", and me the broken girl. Yeah those were the good days when I had them. But as life goes on people leave. Vince three years ago and Derek two years ago. I've made new friends but even with them, I still have my dark days.


	2. Chapter 2

**Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worth while. So when you are lonely, remember it's true. Somebody somewhere is thinking of you.**

My days of darkness have only one thing in common. They suck. They really really do. Not only that but they make me feel lost. Makes you wonder if it's really worth it. Makes you wonder what your point in life is. Makes you think about all the faults, all the time you could have done better. Being lost is have life punch you again and again until you get up for your purpose. The longer you stay down, the harder it'll be. But no matter what, there's always a cage. No matter how big or small, it's there. It's there to remind you that no matter what you've done, it will always be back.

No matter what life throws at me I have to deal. No ands, if, buts, or what's, that's my life. Being okay for people who aren't even though I'm breaking more and more on the inside. Even if the people don't see how much I need what I'm giving, I give because that's all I can do. There's nothing else I can do but that one small, little, simple task. And sometimes that's enough. Anything less and I might just break. This is what I strive for and this is what I'm going to do. I don't care if you think you don't need it, it's better than not knowing that people don't care at all. All I'm showing you is that I care. However little that may be, it's still more than you will ever know if you don't let me try. So just let me try and make your day better. Maybe it'll only be a little bit maybe it'll be a bunch. But I owe it to my boys who tried their very best to keep me going.

All I want is for someone who understands. Someone who gets it. Someone who no matters what will be there for me. Someone to dry the tears that roll down my face, or tell me that it's okay to cry. Someone who can make me smile in my darkest moments (and trust me I have a whole shipload of them.) Just someone who proves in they're actions that they care. I don't want words I want actions. For one simple reason. You can lie through your words, but your actions are what show your true intentions. **If you haven't seen Frozen don't read the following sentences.**{just think of Hans from frozen. He said he loved Anna but he turned out to be a very big jacka** but his actions, true he's a food actor, showed that he only wanted the throne. I mean hello he gestured to Arendelle as his "place of his own." Key words, OWN.}**Read on without fear of spoilers. **Thats really not that much is it? All I'm asking for is for someone who shows they care through what they do. Someone to make me believe in the best when I believe in the worst. Someone to make me smile when I'm crying. I don't care who it is or what they do, as long as it works then that's fine by me.

Dark days come often, too often. I have so much time to live, but when the dark days come all I want to do is nothing. I have all the time in the world, but they push me down so hard that's all I feel. Friends help, they make sure you stay up. They help you up, no matter how little, they help you. Friends make those dark days a bit brighter. Sometimes you just need someone to talk too.

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**Thank you for reviewing,**

**Xion5- thanks for the poem, I liked it so much I put it on top... Can you give me more?**

**keepmesafeinside- thanks for the positivity, sorry that it's so short...**


	3. Chapter 3

**Yes I know this probably doesn't make sense just stick with me it'll make sense later...**

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**Poker Face by Lang Leav**

** There was a time I told you, of all that ached inside; the things I held so sacred, to all the world I'd hide. But they became your weapons, and slowly I have learnt, the less that is said the better, the lesser I'll be hurt. Of all you've use against me, the words has been my words. There are things I'll never tell you, and it is sad to think it so; the more you get to know me the lesser you will know.**

They say family is the most precious thing in the world, what happens if the most precious thing in the world is what causes you fear? The one thing that is supposed to be with you forever? The people who are supposed to encourage, and love you? The one thing you could always count on? What happens if that was gone? They're still there, but they don't seem to be the same. They radiate hate, and don't go a month before one of them explode on another. Yes they still might love you, you're just not so sure anymore.

They never once told you that they were proud of you. They never said good job and patted you on the back. They see your flaws, and they make you see them too. It doesn't make sense what they do, and yet you try. You keep trying and trying and trying until they scold you for spending all your time doing that one thing when you know you haven't. No matter what you do they keep critiquing you. They never, not once, did something for you without any strings attached.

You're supposed to enjoy the time with your family, not worry at the back of your head when disaster is about to happen. Not be on guard at all times and ready to leave at the moments notice. Not be tense and jittery and have to worry at all. If anything worry about what you're going to do later, not worry about who's about to explode. Family is meant to be about love. It's simple, love. Four letters, two vowels, and a major meaning. L. O. V. E. Simple, easy, and hard to achieve.

Yes, family is a impact on who you are and what you do, but what do you do if who you are and what you want, aren't part of the plan? What do you do if you see things differently than everybody else? How are you supposed to be you, center stage and all, when all they want is for you to shadow someone. The answer is you can't. You can try and be someone else, but your worlds will come crashing together. Yes, my family have made me who I am, tough, love hater and above all else, me. I couldn't be me without them. I just wish things were different, not so much as a prison. But a place where I can be free.

Your family is supposed to help you do the best at what you do. Now all families seem to do is break, and teach children that nothing ever goes right. I have yet to see one happy family. In all five moves, I have yet to see ONE happy family. Yes some are happier than others, but they always seem to have chaos underneath that happy facade.

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**To my reviews**

**keepmesafeinside-yes I know one day that will happen... I just would like that one day to come, fast. Very fast...**


	4. Chapter 4

**-If people are trying to bring you down it only means you are above them**

Never let someone one tear you down. Doesn't matter who they are, what matters is you. Only you can tear yourself down, other people just influence you. You want someone to stop, fight back. They don't have anything but words. Yeah sure life sucks, but that's no excuse to be weak. You want to be weak? Then give in. But the human nature doesn't do that, the human nature strives for perfection. Strives for the best.

Perfection is a phrase. Beauty is an opinion. Who do you care more about, yourself or those princess who have never had the need to get their hand dirty? There might come a day when you just snap at them, and let me say that would've well overdue. Fight, fight with words, fight with your heart. Sure you may say you're broken, but broken things can be fixed. Broken things are just things that can wait. Shattered things are just things that take more time. Trust me, no one has a "perfect" life. There are flaws everywhere. Some people just don't see them, or don't want to see them. These are the type of people who don't let anyone tear them down. They see past the lies, past the faults of their very own happy place, the human nature only sees what it wants to. Maybe it's time to see what you want, and to block out what the world sees. It's what inside that counts.

There is a place for everyone, a place to make your stand. Somewhere to fight, you just need to find it. The lucky ones find people to stand with. The lucky ones inspire people to come stand with them. The lucky ones find a way to fix themself. Some of us stand with them and somehow we find ourself slowly fixing ourself up. Slowly sticking the pieces back in, slowly binding the thoughts, slowly making our life ours. The human nature, for some absurd reason, wants us to be liked. But liked by who? That is the question we ask ourself each and everyday. Sure you may be tired, and loney, and done, but people do try. You might just need to learn how to let people in. Easy isn't the answer. The things that are worth living for, tend to be the hardest. The things that make life all that much more fun,interesting, worth living for, that's the hard things. Those are the things that make everything worthwhile. Don't count yourself out of those moments.

You say that it's too much? Nothing is ever too much. We, as humans, always rise to the challenge. We don't back down. We see something others describe impossible? We go tear it down. This little quest for acceptance starts with yourself. Do you accept yourself? If not how can you expect others to? His is how they target you, they see you with confidence problems. They see this as an easy target, so they push. They push because they don't know how to pull. They don't know how to pull you back in, so they throw you out. But, pushing someone out, only makes them climb back in. And when they do watch out.

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**Yeah, yeah I know his was overdue and it didn't make sense but I really don't care. I write based on how I'm feeling. If I don't have to write another chapter for this story I would be butt freaking happy. I'd be happy, because I wouldn't be having dark days anymore. Dark days circle around, everyone has them. You want a theme? You just got one.**


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